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| Ok. So it's been a crazy semester, and I haven't really had time to update this ever. Apologies, and stuff.
As I look around the room, it hits me that I am leaving it in a little over a week, and not returning to it. And because of that, I start thinking about going home, and the *lovely* time that I am going to have there. It's interesting, really, how many people I know in college who don't despise me or vice versa. Tis not the case at home. If I was cool enough, maybe I would dare to contact members of Amalgamated Puppetworks, Inc, and see if they would want to hang out. But I'm not cool enough, and the proverbial layers upon layers of red tape that my parents would put up to attempt to deter me does not help matters either.
If by some miracle I would ever be cool enough and could actually convince my parents to loosen up the leash a little bit, then perhaps I could hang out with fun people and not get as lonely and depressed as I usually do when I go home.
Combining these thoughts and worries with the hundreds of others floating around in my head, along with the bit of depression that is already starting to set in (people graduating and leaving, having to go home, etc etc etc) and perhaps you begin to understand the source of the insomnia that I have been having.
As it is 3 a.m. and I am just rambling now, I want to wish a refuah shleimah to Brennan's computer (which is, of course, a Mac, otherwise why would i want it to get better). Despite everything truly amazing and wonderful about them, unfortunately, Macs are not waterproof. So get well, Arctos.
And with that, I end this public service announcement, and will fold laundry and hope to maybe get some sleep tonight. Preferably not like the bits of sleep I have been getting, though, for those have been filled with terrifying nightmares. | | |
| Crashing and burning is never fun. And every time it happens, it seems to hit me harder than the last time. And each time I tell myself that I can't let this happen again, that it tears me apart more and more each time. And yet, despite this, it happened again. Yet again, I told myself I could actually not get emotionally attached to someone. And yet again, I forgot that if I am friends with someone, I am emotionally attached, so there is no way of being friends with someone and NOT being emotionally attached. Which thus causes confusion, for how can someone with whom you are friends expect you to not be emotionally attached? Unless, yet again, I am wired differently than other people. Perhaps some people are friends without feeling emotionally attached. But to me, that wouldn't feel like a friendship, rather an acquaintance.
You would think, after the amount of times that I have fucked myself over with problems that I would just stay away, and not get anywhere near the chance of something like this possibly happening. Any rational, sane person would do that. But hell, I thought that once, maybe just ONCE something could happen WITHOUT backfiring, without the shit hitting the fan, without crashing and burning afterwards. But, as was yet again proved to me, somewhere in this equation was a variable that I was trying to ignore, namely the fact that I always fuck things up. The sad thing is, I don't actually know where I went wrong this time. Yes, I was emotionally attached, but that is a friendship thing as I already explained. So somewhere in there, I did something, something that wasn't enough to register to me as anything, but was obviously enough to other people.
And, for the record, though I COULD have held back from crashing and burning, that would have been extremely unhealthy mentally and emotionally, because I would have been holding it all inside, and it would have eaten at me, the way it used to years ago, until I was told that I had to let it out, or it would entirely consume me. So in response to that suggestion......: "You think that you are strong, but you are weak. It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat." (--Madonna)
Realize that I did what I had to do, and what was best for me. And crashing and burning is not as bad for me as you think. | | |
| It's been a while since I have posted something that is available for all to read.
Life has been crazy lately, and I apologize to those who have been on the receiving end of it.
Instead of trying to catch up with everything from the past weeks, I am just going to end this here. | | |
| Life. It truly is crazy. At the most random moments, you are suddenly hit with realizing too much at once. You realize what could have happened if someone's roommate had not come back then, but had instead come back a few minutes or an hour or two later. You realize that you have to carefully weigh the options involved in going home-- on the one hand, getting to see the one male person who totally and completely understands you... on the other hand, having to deal with the people that you so happily left behind when you went off to college out of state. You realize that, despite everything you have done, there is still a highly unresolved situation that will keep nagging at you constantly, reminding you that there is nothing more you can do, for you did all that was asked of you, but, apparently, it wasn't enough. You realize that people who want food at Hillel can be really obnoxious jerks, but there is nothing you can do about that, despite their complaints that the 130 degree soup was merely "lukewarm." You realize that when there is a toolbox filled with food that the world is truly falling apart. You realize that people at Hillel only like you when you have the TV set on something that *they* want to watch. You realize that people think you are a freak, but that they view it in a highly negative way, as opposed to the way you were viewing it, which was as a compliment. You also realize that the blade on your knife is too dull to even cut skin. And you realize that people being shomer nagiya can truly drive you insane when you really need a hug to cheer you up. You realize that different people understand different things about you, and that you can never again completely connect with the one person who understood it all, because they have had a girlfriend for quite some time, and that special bond that you had with them can never be reinstated fully, because of said relationship being in existence. And you realize that the recurring nightmare that you have been having will not stop, because a situation occurred that proved to be much more traumatizing than it had originally seemed. And seeing the person at least twice daily who is the cause of those nightmares only makes things worse.
And knowing that you cannot concentrate enough to do homework, or to fix up the ROUS for the amazing fight scene, or to get the hell out of the insane complications of Hillel to go and have a few hours break somewhere with some of the SMers that make life actually bearable.
"God grant me
the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
--AA Serenity Prayer | | |
| thank you, m.n., g.w., e.z., b.k., t.h., i.g., m.t., b.c., n.c., i.p., a.b., b.a., m.e.z., s.s., m.h., o.p., m.k., e.f., s.m., r.m., r.z., n.k., s.f., a.c., c.a.s., m.s.t., m.g-s., s.r., s.n., j.s., y.w., a.k., y.m., s.f., b.s., t.j., a.l., c.?., a.m., e.c., and n.g. for the amazing inspiration that you have provided me throughout the past year, and especially this weekend. i still cannot believe that i am fortunate enough to have all of you as friends, and i truly appreciate all that you do, though i may not say so at the time.
and to those of you who i have caused distress, i am deeply sorry, though i know no amount of saying that can change things. | | |
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